The Art of Bragging

 So much of my life nowadays is perpetual job hunting. From going blind while staring at a computer screen, reading and rereading job postings, to going blind while staring at a computer screen, thinking up bureaucratic euphemisms for "answered the phone," I am consumed with finding the right job. While writing yet another cover letter yesterday, the shameless bragging and robust vocabulary I was using to describe the characteristics I'm sure every other applicant is trying to highlight hit me square between the eyes. After I woke up from the blow, I was carried away by my wicked sarcastic side. Never one to resist being carried away when inspiration of any kind strikes, I wrote the most honest, shamelessly vain and braggadocios cover letter ever known to man.

To Whom It may Concern,

You may not know me yet, but let me assure you that I am invaluable to your company. Regardless of the fact that your company is not hiring, my skills and expertise are so extensive that you should immediately hire me. Fire someone else if need be. I'm that good. I will be the best thing that ever happened to you company.

Granted, for all you know, I'm simply a manipulative, pathological liar who copied the cover letter of a person with actual talent and just changed the names. Any claims I make may sound arrogant, like I was coddled by two blindly loving parents, constantly boosting my self-esteem by telling me that I am special, unique, a snowflake. And I'm sure that many other applicants will make the same claim to value as I. But let me assure you: they are lying. I am not.

Of course, I should supply evidences as to my infallibility as an employee. But we both know that any examples I list here will be general and unspecific at best, and could be said by any eager-to-please sap with a thesaurus. I could tell you that I am hard-working, a good multi-tasker, and that my ability to dialogue with team members about the utilization of our individual resources toward a common goal to benefit the company and maximize our time is second to none.

I am also fluent in 37 languages, and can predict the second coming of Christ (though I'm sworn to secrecy). Have I convinced you that you should hire me yet? What if I told you that I am also a world renowned baker and that I would bring in home-made pies, cookies and cakes every Monday?

I am eager to meet with you and exaggerate my accomplishments in glowing buzz-words further. Please contact me before your company collapses from my lack of input.

Sincerely,

Your only hope