The Art of Bragging

 So much of my life nowadays is perpetual job hunting. From going blind while staring at a computer screen, reading and rereading job postings, to going blind while staring at a computer screen, thinking up bureaucratic euphemisms for "answered the phone," I am consumed with finding the right job. While writing yet another cover letter yesterday, the shameless bragging and robust vocabulary I was using to describe the characteristics I'm sure every other applicant is trying to highlight hit me square between the eyes. After I woke up from the blow, I was carried away by my wicked sarcastic side. Never one to resist being carried away when inspiration of any kind strikes, I wrote the most honest, shamelessly vain and braggadocios cover letter ever known to man.

To Whom It may Concern,

You may not know me yet, but let me assure you that I am invaluable to your company. Regardless of the fact that your company is not hiring, my skills and expertise are so extensive that you should immediately hire me. Fire someone else if need be. I'm that good. I will be the best thing that ever happened to you company.

Granted, for all you know, I'm simply a manipulative, pathological liar who copied the cover letter of a person with actual talent and just changed the names. Any claims I make may sound arrogant, like I was coddled by two blindly loving parents, constantly boosting my self-esteem by telling me that I am special, unique, a snowflake. And I'm sure that many other applicants will make the same claim to value as I. But let me assure you: they are lying. I am not.

Of course, I should supply evidences as to my infallibility as an employee. But we both know that any examples I list here will be general and unspecific at best, and could be said by any eager-to-please sap with a thesaurus. I could tell you that I am hard-working, a good multi-tasker, and that my ability to dialogue with team members about the utilization of our individual resources toward a common goal to benefit the company and maximize our time is second to none.

I am also fluent in 37 languages, and can predict the second coming of Christ (though I'm sworn to secrecy). Have I convinced you that you should hire me yet? What if I told you that I am also a world renowned baker and that I would bring in home-made pies, cookies and cakes every Monday?

I am eager to meet with you and exaggerate my accomplishments in glowing buzz-words further. Please contact me before your company collapses from my lack of input.

Sincerely,

Your only hope

Tales of the Unemployed

Perhaps if I were lyrical, I could compose a poem of incredible eloquence, subtlety and beauty. A poem that would be moving and deep, and express in the most musical way what it is like to be unemployed. Unfortunately, I've never been that good at writing poems that are all of these things, and still rhyme. Fortunately for you, I'm aware that I can't write a poem to save my life, so I won't try.

I've been without a job for almost a full month now and in that time I've made the following observations:

1.) Housewives with no kids are either incredibly lazy or bored out of their minds
2.) If I rationalize enough, I won't have to clean and organize the back closet
3.) My husband and I don't create enough dirty laundry for me to wash it once a week
4.) But doing the laundry gives me a purpose so I wash our meager amount of clothes regularly and call it an accomplishment
5.) I don't have to shower every day
6.) But I do anyway. Again, an accomplishment

There are many other observations of equally deep natures that I could share with you. But I don't want to overload anyone's cerebrum with too much philosophical thinking in one post.


I've applied for positions left and right, had a couple interviews, and am waiting to hear back for a couple more potential interviews. In the meantime, I've been bored a lot. I've read 4 books in the last 2 days, surfed every remotely interesting internet site, and watched almost 5 seasons of "Mythbusters."

Every now and then, I've emerged from my cave of an apartment to consort with the outside world. Last Friday, for example I embarked on an afternoon with two girl-friends, Whitney and Aaron (yes, that is the correct spelling, and she is a girl). Aaron brought her too-cute-to-be-true 4 month old son, Noah. And I brought my camera.



Whitney.


Aaron.


Noah. The big cutie.

We went on a drive to Philipsburg, a 1800's mining town. We had lunch in the cute little restaurant/soda fountain that has been around pretty much as long has the town has. Then we enjoyed the sapphire and gem store, and rounded the day out at the Sweet Palace. Very appropriately named.











 
 Fudge! Beautiful fudge! And free samples! What a glorious thing. Aaron and Whitney both went home with half a pound each of favorite flavors, but I abstained. I would like to say it is because I had the will power to turn down such a fattening, high-calorie treat, but in reality, I'd already spent the money I was allowed on lunch and even though it would be a tasty over-purchase, I knew I had to be content with nothing. So I mooched samples off of Aaron and Whitney instead.

Peace, Love and Sugar-comas.

Allow me to introdce myself..

Hi. I am the lady who is terrible at blogging. Nice to meet you.

I've resolved to fix that little quirk in my personality. Unless something distracts me. Like life, or painting my toenails.