The Art of Bragging

 So much of my life nowadays is perpetual job hunting. From going blind while staring at a computer screen, reading and rereading job postings, to going blind while staring at a computer screen, thinking up bureaucratic euphemisms for "answered the phone," I am consumed with finding the right job. While writing yet another cover letter yesterday, the shameless bragging and robust vocabulary I was using to describe the characteristics I'm sure every other applicant is trying to highlight hit me square between the eyes. After I woke up from the blow, I was carried away by my wicked sarcastic side. Never one to resist being carried away when inspiration of any kind strikes, I wrote the most honest, shamelessly vain and braggadocios cover letter ever known to man.

To Whom It may Concern,

You may not know me yet, but let me assure you that I am invaluable to your company. Regardless of the fact that your company is not hiring, my skills and expertise are so extensive that you should immediately hire me. Fire someone else if need be. I'm that good. I will be the best thing that ever happened to you company.

Granted, for all you know, I'm simply a manipulative, pathological liar who copied the cover letter of a person with actual talent and just changed the names. Any claims I make may sound arrogant, like I was coddled by two blindly loving parents, constantly boosting my self-esteem by telling me that I am special, unique, a snowflake. And I'm sure that many other applicants will make the same claim to value as I. But let me assure you: they are lying. I am not.

Of course, I should supply evidences as to my infallibility as an employee. But we both know that any examples I list here will be general and unspecific at best, and could be said by any eager-to-please sap with a thesaurus. I could tell you that I am hard-working, a good multi-tasker, and that my ability to dialogue with team members about the utilization of our individual resources toward a common goal to benefit the company and maximize our time is second to none.

I am also fluent in 37 languages, and can predict the second coming of Christ (though I'm sworn to secrecy). Have I convinced you that you should hire me yet? What if I told you that I am also a world renowned baker and that I would bring in home-made pies, cookies and cakes every Monday?

I am eager to meet with you and exaggerate my accomplishments in glowing buzz-words further. Please contact me before your company collapses from my lack of input.

Sincerely,

Your only hope

Tales of the Unemployed

Perhaps if I were lyrical, I could compose a poem of incredible eloquence, subtlety and beauty. A poem that would be moving and deep, and express in the most musical way what it is like to be unemployed. Unfortunately, I've never been that good at writing poems that are all of these things, and still rhyme. Fortunately for you, I'm aware that I can't write a poem to save my life, so I won't try.

I've been without a job for almost a full month now and in that time I've made the following observations:

1.) Housewives with no kids are either incredibly lazy or bored out of their minds
2.) If I rationalize enough, I won't have to clean and organize the back closet
3.) My husband and I don't create enough dirty laundry for me to wash it once a week
4.) But doing the laundry gives me a purpose so I wash our meager amount of clothes regularly and call it an accomplishment
5.) I don't have to shower every day
6.) But I do anyway. Again, an accomplishment

There are many other observations of equally deep natures that I could share with you. But I don't want to overload anyone's cerebrum with too much philosophical thinking in one post.


I've applied for positions left and right, had a couple interviews, and am waiting to hear back for a couple more potential interviews. In the meantime, I've been bored a lot. I've read 4 books in the last 2 days, surfed every remotely interesting internet site, and watched almost 5 seasons of "Mythbusters."

Every now and then, I've emerged from my cave of an apartment to consort with the outside world. Last Friday, for example I embarked on an afternoon with two girl-friends, Whitney and Aaron (yes, that is the correct spelling, and she is a girl). Aaron brought her too-cute-to-be-true 4 month old son, Noah. And I brought my camera.



Whitney.


Aaron.


Noah. The big cutie.

We went on a drive to Philipsburg, a 1800's mining town. We had lunch in the cute little restaurant/soda fountain that has been around pretty much as long has the town has. Then we enjoyed the sapphire and gem store, and rounded the day out at the Sweet Palace. Very appropriately named.











 
 Fudge! Beautiful fudge! And free samples! What a glorious thing. Aaron and Whitney both went home with half a pound each of favorite flavors, but I abstained. I would like to say it is because I had the will power to turn down such a fattening, high-calorie treat, but in reality, I'd already spent the money I was allowed on lunch and even though it would be a tasty over-purchase, I knew I had to be content with nothing. So I mooched samples off of Aaron and Whitney instead.

Peace, Love and Sugar-comas.

Allow me to introdce myself..

Hi. I am the lady who is terrible at blogging. Nice to meet you.

I've resolved to fix that little quirk in my personality. Unless something distracts me. Like life, or painting my toenails.

Fall/Wintertime Is Here!

It's been snowing. The highs over the next couple days barely break the 30 degree mark. The lows are ready to dip below 0.

If you weren't paying attenion, you would think Montana only had two seasons. Summer, a brief 8-12 week stint that isn't necessarily consecutive. And winter. Which has apparently arrived. A couple weeks ago, on a Monday, we had fall. Then, that night, it snowed and winter took over. Now the still green-yellow leaves are frozen to their branches and will either be blown off by violent wind, or stick around until spring's new leave crowd them out. What will not happen, is they will not turn orange, red, or brown and float gently to the ground below.

Lord help me, what kind of place did my Prince-Charming carry me off to?

Fire

Scaring the Baby

This memorial day weekend was certainly exciting to say the least, and a lot of fun to say it perfectly. Primarily, Prince Charming and I traveled back to his hometown to fraternize with his best friend, his best friend's wife and their new, barely 2 month old baby. Of course, there were some great side adventures, such as the 4 amigos reuniting to unearth new ways to have fun with fire (pictures and story in forthcoming post), and trips to the Sheriff's office to make a statement about threats on my life (story also forthcoming, but no pictures for this one).

Sunday afternoon, the new parents, Jack and Elaine, had a BBQ for all those in the small town who knew Jack growing up and wanted to see if his offspring was going to be as troublesome as he. The baby's grandparents hosted at their house and most of the home church showed up to enjoy the reunion, and the food.

I spent nearly the entire time snapping pictures with my new(ish) camera, enjoying the many range of emotions, smiles and events happening around me. Enjoying, too, capturing as many as I could with my camera.

Perhaps my favorite moment and range of emotions came when my beloved Prince Charming accepted into his arms for the first time little Landyn. The son of his best friend (and best man at our wedding), with whom he had gone through the pains of growing up, the joys of living in a small mountain town, and the excitement of setting everything possible on fire. Jack and my prince are very close, and each family accepts the other friend as a surrogate son. Thus, it was understood that Prince Charming and I were surrogate Uncle and Aunt to this young life and Prince Charming has already been planning on buying the young tyke his first BB gun as soon as he is strong enough to grip it.

At the all-important introduction of Uncle and nephew, Jack carefully passed his young charge to Uncle Zach.



"Offspring, meet crazy Uncle Zach. And vice versa."



My heart started to melt as my handsome and beloved husband cradled this young life. I started to dream of the day (far from now) when he would be holding our own child. Suddenly, I wanted that day to come much sooner.

But then.....this happened








Uh-oh



Someone's not happy



"What do you want, kid?"



Prince charming is conviced that he scares all little babies. But, I've seen him around children before where they haven't immediately cringed and cried. This poor little guy was just having a long day, with lost of strange people around him. And he missed his nap.

He didn't cry for me though. Thank goodness.

Leviticus

Starting yesterday, and for the next couple days, several churches are partnering together to read through the entire Bible at a local park. Straight through. Day and night. Without stopping. Genesis to Revelation.

With the help of volunteers, they recruit even more volunteers to read for 15 minute increments. I became one of the latter volunteers when a friend of mine (remember Kelly, from the branding post below?) became one of the recruiting volunteers. Each recruiter is given a 3 hour period to fill with people to read, and if they can't fill all the slots, or someone is a no-show, the recruiter fills in.

Kelly had been given the noon to three chunk yesterday afternoon and filled it primarily with the college students and other friends that weekly visit his family's ranch. I took the 12:45 to 1pm slot, a convienent time for me to take my lunch. And Sunday, when I signed up for it, I knew that I would be reading Leviticus. Something in my gut just knew.

My gut, though sometimes completely off base, was right on the money this time. When I arrived, I was just in time to start reading from the end of Leviticus 13, all about infectious diseases, proclaiming things clean or unclean, sacrifices to become clean again, mildew in fabrics and houses, and a woman's monthly period. It was quite educational. Did you know, for example, that in order to be declared clean after a disease (and after the requisite minimum 7 day waiting period, and ceremonial bathing), you have to bring 2 doves or pigeons (whichever you can afford) to the priest along with hyssop, a scarlet thread and an epaph of a certain substance? The priest will then kill one of the birds over fresh water, tie the other bird up, then dip the living bird into the dead bird's blood and the fresh water and sprinkle it before the Lord 7 times, ending with a few douses on you? Makes you kind of greatful that we have freedom in and under Christ, doesn't it?

At least I didn't read any faster. After me, my friend Jacque read all about sexual regulations. Good stuff.